mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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