just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
