god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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