why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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