I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
