Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
