I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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