Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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