Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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