I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
In America we eat man semen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
