sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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