Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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