hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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