You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
