ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
