Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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