Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
