i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
