I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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