The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
