so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
