I will die if light touches me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
