It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
