A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
