I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
