Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
