So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
