She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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