Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
