i don't like sucking hair
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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