Only a mothe r could love this liver
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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