I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
sarcasm needs its own font
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
