If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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