the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
