I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
