One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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