I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
