are you so shy because you have an std?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
