I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
try to milk me bitch
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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