Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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