I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
