Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
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So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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