the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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