i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
