How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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