Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cockslap morals
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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