and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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