I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
