You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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