It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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