The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
