They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
