I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
