life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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