Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
