i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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