I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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