1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
