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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
