I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
