do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
