I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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