I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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